everything is so screwed.

the fucking team is screwed. and its as if i screwed them up with my own hands.

the fucking people around me screws my life,
or am i screwing things up myself.

my dearest mum and dad irritates me even more.
they don't care what i do good. they don't.

my fucking result sucks.
i feel fucking stupid even when i'm pretending i'm not.

the fucking class sucks.

the fucking world screws the life out of me.

i don't belong anywhere anymore.
fuck the whole team. and there's training tomorrow.

fuck, i think i screw things up the best.
the only thing i'm good at.

even holding the guitar with my hands now, means nothing,
i cant play a shit.



and when i'm bored and dying to talk to someone, just anyone, about anything,
the world hungs up on me.
this is how great my life is.

i'm so confused, i admit.


can't believe i ended it off like this.
get over it chow. =/

all that craziness over eyecandy is just..
stupid.
i think i'm falling into something else that will kill.
but i need to get out of the hole now before it kills me.
this bloody cycle is tiring me out and i really don't want it.
i need to fucking study.

you know, everyone says they can live without being attached and all.
i would love to say it.
but no, don't you feel that sometimes you really need just one right person to be there
because the world makes you feel so lonely
and you just need one person to be with you in everything you do
somehow motivate you enough and all..
=/
i'm feeling it. but i want to be single and i want to learn to live with myself.


sigh. this brain of mine needs a wash.

i want to talk. i need to talk.
rant. whatever.
and i don't know who to go to besides deb
that idiot must be sleeping.
she's been there especially since this year
and the only one i can talk to about everything.


fuck.
one side is pulling me away, to someone else.
the other is holding me back.
i think i've got split personality.

i cannot afford to get myself into anything now
yet i have to cause its the only way to get out.



i don't wanna be alone tonight,
someone stay up with me please

how much does it take to have the greatest and bestest friend?


fuck. i ended up with those msges in my new phone.


i can't say i am okay, yet i can't say i am not.
those memories, like a movie, rewinds and playback again and again, blending in with music i listen to, i wish i could stop it.

i don't want to shove everything to the back of my head.
and then it gets triggered and i'll feel more pain..
i am learning to face it.
i couldn't stop thinking for the whole day, no matter how happy i was with whatever i was doing,
it hurts but i don't know. =/

this sucks.

i am gonna cry it all out and by tomorrow i'll be good, hopefully.


today is the day.
i think god is trying to help.
after all that words you shot me with, it still doesnt change much.
i needed this long ago, thanks.
you're the one person i can't be friends with and i don't know why.
maybe its just you hating me, for everything i've done.
my mind's all filled with words and sentences here and there,
god if i don't make sense anymore, please help me.
i need to get through this, one last shot of pain.
shit i am lying again, i can predict how i'm gonna hurt for as long as this feeling stands.
from now, this love seems stagnant. i don't want, i want it to be gone cause its giving me too much torture.
i am wondering why i seem to stumble upon every word i say even though i know you don't know a thing.
still i say, you're the best i ever i had, though i've fallen the hardest.
i know even tomorrow, i'll still have words choked in me but its time those words means nothing,
its time saying it means one bit of pain gone.

i can't bear to dump my old phone away, even if i do, i can remember in everyway you loved me,
maybe its time to burn those letters away.


actually, i've been moving on, sub-consciously.
pick me up from here, someone.

i know its wrong, but its been the best way for me, yet the worst.
i'll just have to sacrifice one person in this world to make me feel better.
and yes, its selfish, but i don't care cause i know i deserve more than this.








i guess you'll never be here again
my utmost tragedy.

lord give her happy times in every moment of her life, please.

i saw her looking at me and i looked back,
turned away and then she looked again,
i feel like i've known her.
strangely.


.
.
.



it feels wrong this way.
if it's gonna be a one night stand,
i'll never wanna see her again.

i'm not saying its a huge deal or anything
but i was happy with myself for awhile..
getting third in both shotput and javelin,
first in discus,
i thought maybe my whole life aint about basketball only.

but that was what i THOUGHT.

i told my mummy and her first reaction was
:"not whole school against each other also."

yea, useless alright.


i have been quarelling with her almost everyday since that incident.
no, she's been shouting and nagging and scolding and putting me down
and i've been trying to shut up.






yuck. what is happening to my wonderful life

i'm laughing at my own stupidity
to think that everything will be fine by deceiving myself

i hate it when you say that

you didn't even listen to me.

basketball is my life cause i can't do anything better than that
and thats how good i am.

i don't see a difference
he plays too, but you only know how to praise.
i'm wearing the "cca leader" badge but you don't care

mummy, you dont know i'm in pain.

no no no no no no no no.
my heart's really too weak to take this.
talking to you hurts as much.
i seriously wonder if you're doing this on purpose or am i being stupid.
okay, i am stupid.

i can't take changes.
i hate them and i finally admit that i'm too stubborn to want to try to adapt to all these shithead changes.
i can listen to the same song for hours and days and i will still love them years later.
sadly, its the same when it comes to this.
some people think its being faithful, i think its stupid and dumb and foolish,
yet i am the one doing it.
i hate changes so much i can't move on.
its a slow torment i can't change,
so slow i'm dying faster inside
i am trying to hate you, but i can't
for a moment yesterday, i thought i was going to be stronger and it won't hurt anymore.
now this pain is triggered and i am hurting even more
i can't believe i'm still hurting.

fuck, i thought i was going to be fine.

if you ever read this by chance/miracle or whatever,
don't do this to me cause you're making it even harder.
i need you to be like everyone else.